Thursday, October 12, 2006

Star Trek: The Nats Generation

Ah, the offseason. A time to reflect on what could have been and what might have been. It's also time to reflect on what couldn't possibly be. A time to fire off absurd, barely baseball-related posts like this one.

When I was a kid, Star Trek: The Next Generation was my favorite show. What if, by some strange melding of fact and fiction, the Nationals became the crew of the U.S.S. Enterprise? Here's what it would look like:

Jose Guillen as Commander Worf

This is a no-brainer. Jose the Barbarian embodies much of Worf's quintessential surliness and penchant for temper tantrums. Guillen is rumored to be fluent in Klingon as well as Spanish and English and totally hates Romulans.

Brian Schneider as Captain Jean-Luc Picard

Schneider is a fearless leader on the field, even when the Nats are down 13-9 to the Pirates. Like Picard, his cool grace under fire and wise mentorship of teammates makes him admired and respected by all. Despite their even-handedness, both have been known to throw chairs on the HoloDeck in times of extreme frustration.

Chad Cordero as Ensign Wesley Crusher

Like Wesley Crusher, Cordero's youthful exuberance make him extremely likeable to all other crew members. However, Cordero's youthful cockiness sometimes gets him into perilous Wesley-esque situations, like giving up walk-off grand slams in the bottom of the 9th.

Nick Johnson as Commander William Riker

Come on. Just look at him!

Brad Wilkerson as Lt. Tasha Yar

Tasha Yar was an integral part of the Enterprise crew and a fan favorite. Alas, she was killed off early in the series and replaced by Worf. Wilkerson was also a fan favorite in the Nationals' inaugural season, but was quickly discarded in a controversial trade for Alfonso Soriano. No one missed Tasha Yar after awhile, either.

Alfonso Soriano as Commander Data

Commander Data was an android, which meant that he could do just about anything better than any of the humanoid characters on the show. He was super smart, super fast and super powerful. His main weakness was his amusing inability to communicate effectively with humans. We suspect that Soriano's monster year may also be attributable to being an android, along with his bizzare behavior during the whole switching-to-left field episode.

Felipe Lopez as Lt. Geordi LaForge

Geordi LaForge was an indispensable member of the Enterprise crew, but his blindness made him a liability in certain Away Team situations. Similarly, Felipe Lopez's blindness on the field makes him a liability on defense, despite his occasional offensive prowess.

Bud Selig as The Borg

The Borg were a ruthless race of cyborgs whose sole mission was to assimilate all life forms in the Delta Quadrant and beyond. Bud Selig is a ruthless cyborg whose sole mission is get the picture.

Jim Bowden as Q

Q was a mischevious entity with a penchant for showing up at exactly the wrong time and doing exactly the wrong thing. Q's antics would set the Enterprise crew back weeks as they scrambled to avoid him and his misdeeds. Jim Bowden shares Q's penchant for mischief and bumbling, committing such foibles as signing Cristian Guzman to a four year, $16 million dollar contract and signing Matt LeCroy as a backup catcher.

So help me out...who'd I miss? Deanna Troi? Beverly Crusher? Guinan? Drop a comment with your Nats-Star Trek casting calls.